I figured since I’m sitting at my computer refreshing gmail every five minutes to see if I got an interview for this nursing program, I might as well do something productive. It’s really hard to focus on anything else, now that the application deadline is past. I can barely read a Dragonlance book, which is sad, because it is so much easier to read than Emma, which I have been assigned to read 3 times and have never once gotten more than halfway through it.
It’s not like I’ll hear the first workday after the deadline anyway…
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about weight and body image. Everybody goes on and on about how you have to love yourself and how you look. So what if you’ve gained ten pounds? You are beautiful the way you are! Even after you gain 65 pounds, like I did, through a combination of side effects, poor eating habits, and synthetic hormones, you are still supposed to embrace who you are.
I did, for awhile. I was always mildly discontented and made half-hearted efforts to change, but none of it ever seemed to work. It must have come from this crazy idea that we are just supposed to love ourselves unconditionally. Finally, I guess I cracked. Because I did NOT love who I was. Who did I think I was kidding? I had gone from being a thin, healthy person my senior year to FAT. Yes, fat. I said it. (And for those of you who are trying to be nice and say I’m not, my BMI was WAY over the healthy line….like by 8%… and 16% over the fit level!) I think that’s fat if you are at risk for heart diseases, etc.
And once I got that, I couldn’t even believe that I let it go this far. I know how it happened, but I can’t really begin to comprehend that it happened. Thankfully, now, barely three weeks into this new weight loss plan (Ideal Protein—kinda gross, but TOTALLY effective), I am down 15.4 pounds!! Which is 24% of my goal. Kind of unbelievable.
For those of you who think that it’s unrealistic to want to fit into old high school clothes….if you were healthy and fit in high school and were in a normal BMI range for your height….it’s a great goal! There is nothing wrong with that. It’s so easy to make excuses to avoid doing good things for yourself (or other people). And it’s easy to make yourself feel good about something that doesn’t really do anything for you…too easy. No more patting myself on the back for just resisting ONE trip to the vending machine. That’s not enough.
So, to sum up, I am GLAD that I am dissatisfied. And I am GLAD to be able to look at myself honestly. It’s scary to not be able to see yourself for what you are, inside or out. Because who really wants to be around someone who isn’t self-aware? I really don’t want to be that person.
On a more positive note, I was distracted from checking my email for a WHOLE TEN MINUTES. Wish me luck and send me prayers, people!!
To give you more of a visual, here is me at 190, the weekend before I started Ideal Protein
And here is me, exactly three weeks into Ideal Protein. (Yes, I know it’s cheating to wear a t-shirt!!)