(This is actually yesterday’s post, but it took me FOREVER to think about what kind of freedom I desire/think about).
I want freedom from the academic calendar. It doesn’t matter if I’m in school or not; when it starts to smell like fall, memories from every fall start to rush back. I process, think about what I’ve learned, who I’ve become, and I always come back to the conclusion that I’m the same exact person in a place I’d never thought I’d be.
Maybe it’s Dallas and not fall. Maybe moving would be all it would take to break out of this cycle. Things change a lot, but they always seem to come around full circle. It reminds me of one of my favorite Sarah Dessen quotes:
But if something was really important, fate made sure it somehow came back to you and gave you another chance… Events conspired to bring you back to where you’d been. It was what you did then that made all the difference: it was all about potential.
I didn’t pick that quote for the theology, so don’t judge! Still, I think there’s a lot of truth in it…you get into situations you’ve been in before, and you have a chance at a do-over. And maybe, if you realize it, you can do it over again…right.
The freedom I’ve craved most, which I think I’ve finally achieved to some degree, is freedom from audience. For so long, I couldn’t write much. When I did, it was stiff and self-conscious. Somehow, I discovered I wasn’t being honest with myself, and when I started to be honest, all of my real thoughts and feelings poured out…more than I would have liked.
I also got to a point where I self-actualized enough to remove myself from most of the unhealthy situations I was in, which enabled me to think more clearly. When you’re in the middle of a mess and you don’t have the willpower to pull yourself out of it, it’s hard to be honest about your feelings. I guess I’m glad I reached a breaking point.
Another Sarah Dessen quote comes to my mind…I think this is what I was doing before:
Sometimes it seems safer to hold it all in, where the only person who can judge is yourself.
The safer option isn’t always the option that makes the most sense, though.
Since Up Close and Personal, I feel like I’ve come even farther and can view life a little more objectively and clearly. I probably won’t be able to 100%, but it’s sure nice to be able to write more honestly.