My schedule was off this week because of nightmares and poor sleeping habits AND being out of town, so I’ll have to double-up on my postadays for a couple of days.
The first time I remember thinking about the concept of being myself was at the angsty age of 12. My mom had told me that I needed to be myself and relax, and I sobbed the clichéd, “But how can I be myself when I don’t know who myself is?!”
To tell you the truth, I still don’t know who I am. At least not entirely. You can probably tell by my erratic writing style. What I DO know is that I am a conglomeration of personality, experience, and suggestion. But even personality evolves. I feel more confused than I did five years ago, in fact.
I’m reminded of an Andrée Seu quote that I read awhile ago (appreciate it, because it took me forever to find it on her blog!!):
Personality is a funny thing. By the time you are middle aged, [sic] you cannot tell how much is nature, nurture, or the fruit of bad choices.
That describes now perfectly. The more I think about “being myself”, the more I realize that, in a way, it’s counter-productive. I’m constantly evolving, changing, and hopefully, I will always be. I don’t want to be a static character, and if I decided on who exactly I was, I would fall into the danger of being stagnant.
God created us to be able to learn, grow, and produce. And in our fallen but redeemed state, we are continually evolving by the process of sanctification. I hope who I was at fifteen won’t always be who I am, but I hope I can take the good parts and lessons with me.
Seu has another take on it:
I have spent too much time trying to understand why I am the way I am, and not nearly enough time thinking about who God says I am. He tells me that all the old is passed away, and behold, the new is come.
Here is her full post if you want to read it.