Yes, I decided to tackle a more sensitive one today. Some of you may remember my post on illness awhile back. Part of what comes with the illness is chronic, progressive pain, and I wanted to share my experience. Pain’s a tricky thing, and I’ve found that controlling pain entails using and involving my mind. I’m not talking about detaching from the body or moving to a different consciousness or anything like that. I’m talking about a realistic, gritty, everyday experience. If my mind’s not engaged and where it needs to be, I might as well give up.
Managing pain for the first few years of the disease was always haphazard. Sometimes I was able to get it under control, and sometimes I wasn’t. It got significantly worse as the years went on, and I was in college when I received the diagnosis.
At that point, I was worn down emotionally and physically, and I entered a defeatist state of mind and focused on comfort only. This meant staying in bed if I was feeling poorly and doing whatever I could to make myself feel better. I acknowledged the fact that my life would be unalterably different than it was before. Acceptance came easily to me, but I never once considered my quality of life.
In order to make things more bearable, I did little things that made me feel better. Never once did I push myself. Food was a physical, tangible thing that I could enjoy, so I ate whatever I wanted to at the moment. All of the different treatments I was on gave me a larger appetite…but the weight is another story, one some of you have heard before.
I got to the point where I had to take walks to combat side effects from one of the medicines I was on (which I quit taking after two and a half months). It shocked me how little energy and tolerance I had. Walking around the block was a challenge and caused a lot of pain in my joints. Slowly, I built up to where I could go to the gym and get on one of the sitting bikes (not the kind you lean over) and just pedal slowly while I studied. I even worked out on the elliptical a few times on good days!
Even though I was pushing myself at this time, I still had a mental block, where I viewed my life as sub-par and like I could never be truly valuable or useful. It wasn’t the pain that was holding me back; I was holding myself back. The turning point mentally happened when I read Goodkind’s Faith of the Fallen a year ago. One of the protagonists, Kahlan, is badly injured and can’t be healed by magic because of a curse that was put on her. She’s in terrible pain and spends her time resting in bed, until Richard, her husband, pretends he’s left for the day, forcing her to get up to get water and food. He wanted to prove to her that she could get out of bed.
Kahlan was joyous to be out of the bed and that helped her to ignore the pain. The world was again a wondrous place…As much as she liked the snug home, going outside felt like finally being freed from a dungeon. Before, Richard had frequently offered to take her outside for the day, but she had never wanted to leave her bed, fearing the pain. She realized that because she was so sick, her thinking had slowly become dull and foggy. Along with her summer, she had for a time lost herself. Now, long at last, she felt clearheaded.
The pain is every bit as bad as it used to be (sometimes worse), but I’ve shifted from pursuing comfort at all costs to pursuing health and a good quality of life. Resting in bed wasn’t living. I certainly felt more comfortable, but it wasn’t a price that I was willing to pay.
Now, two years later, I can do so much more than I was able to before. It still hurts and probably isn’t impressive compared to what an average person can do, but my lifestyle has improved in ways I never thought it would. I am even going to nursing school for a BSN, which is something I had given up on because I thought it would be too physically strenuous. I had resigned myself to going for an RN at a community college or not doing it at all! We’ll see how well I can handle two 12 hour clinical shifts a week… I’m not worried about it now, because that is another battle to fight. Right now, I’ll enjoy my victory.
imperfectous said:
beautifully written and you know what truly spoken. you at times just choose not to be the victim. and instead rise above it all and still enjoy your life…..all the best dear.
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Thank you, Imperfectous! That’s exactly what I learned from the situation. You summed it up well.
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Anonymous said:
Though I rolled my eyes a bit at your confessor inspiration, I do get that light bulbs come from all manner of sources, many of them quite individualized. I truly do commend your mindset and resolve, dear niece.
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Literature changes the world more than anything else, imo. 🙂 Thanks, Uncle. Safe travels!!
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Here’s a Madeleine L’Engle quote 🙂 “A great piece of literature does not try to coerce you to believe it or agree with it. A great piece of literature simply is. It is a vehicle of truth, but it is not a blueprint, and we tend to confuse the two.”
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writingfeemail said:
I love your attitude, though I am sure it isn’t always easy. I hope you have a wonderful and pain free Christmas season.
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Thank you, Renee! No matter how I feel, it will be a good Christmas season. Best wishes for you and your family as well. 🙂 Thanks for coming over and commenting!
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MisplacedBoy said:
Thank you for this post and your honesty. I have no idea how I would react to a life of chronic pain, a headache will pretty much do me in, but I hope that I would react to it with the strength that you show here.
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Thank you!! Well, it’s been a ten year process. 🙂 I’m not sure that many react well to something like this initially.
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Warrior Poet Wisdom said:
I love this! Yes, f**k comfort! That’s the mentality that got me out of bed and finally living a productive life again despite my aches and pains. We must see these aches and pains as opportunities, not obstacles. They’ve certainly made me feel more driven, passionate and intense than I ever have in my life, and for that, I’m grateful. 🙂
http://warriorpoetwisdom.com/2011/10/18/the-hotter-the-forge-the-stronger-the-sword/
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Thanks, Miro! Good for you! Having problems like this gives you a unique insight into life that others cannot get. Madeleine L’Engle talks a lot about sickness in death in her books. I like this one from “A Ring of Endless Light”: “It is possible to suffer and despair an entire lifetime and still not give up the art of laughter.”
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winsomebella said:
Your approach is very admirable. I am glad you have found ways to manage pain and to do things you wish to do. Peace, always.
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Thank you, Winsome Bella! It’s just one day at a time. 🙂
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SarahAlice said:
Its mind over matter all over again 🙂 You did a really brilliant job, especially since you push yourself to do it!
I liked this post! 🙂
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Aw, thanks, Sarah Alice! Yes, using the mind counts for a lot…not everything, but quite a bit!!
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SarahAlice said:
The closest to chronic pain I’ve ever come is in the aftermath of having my tonsils out. My ears ached incessantly (translated pain?) for about six weeks. It was as though I couldn’t move, or swallow or breathe really without crying. I didn’t want to do anything except take the painkillers and sleep. I’d hate to do that every day. 🙂
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Ouch!! I’ve heard that’s really awful and that it lasts really long. Did you get a dry socket or something? I’ve heard of that happening with tonsillectomies. This is definitely a different kind of pain… it doesn’t hurt me to eat, THANK GOODNESS!!!
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granbee said:
Hooray for your victory! I wish I could fill a pitcher with this post and pour it into the heads of all my friends and acquaintances who value comfort over quality of life and true health! Keep moving, keep breathing, keep LOVING! Praying for your comfort RIGHT NOW!
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Thank you, Granbee!! It was a long, hard lesson!! Thank you very much for your encouragement and prayers!! There is pain that I should have had today that I have not had. 🙂
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TrishaDM said:
Faith of the Fallen is one of my to read books this year!
Great approach to your pain. Chronic pain is difficult to live with, it sounds like you have made a lot of progress! Thanks for sharing about your journey!
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Oh, you won’t be disappointed!! Have you read the first five? They are so powerful.
Thank you for coming over to comment. I appreciate the encouragement very much. 🙂
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thepoeticgoblin said:
It’s always inspiring to “see” somebody take control of their illness rather than the other way around. Keep your head up (Like 2Pac would say) and I wish you the best
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Well, it’s not like it hasn’t taken control of me before. 😉 Thank you very much for those kind thoughts, TPG!!
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Coming East said:
So sorry you have to deal with chronic pain, but I’m glad you are dealing with it rather than letting it deal with you. But I know it is a constant battle, so I’m wishing you the best in your daily struggle. Love your writing.
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Thank you very much, Coming East!! I guess sometimes you gotta take life by the horns. 🙂 I’m so glad you enjoy things over here!! I’ve been enjoying your blog very much as well. 🙂
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pattisj said:
I had no idea you were dealing with chronic pain, too. It does have a way of isolating us at times. I’m so glad to hear you are challenging yourself to go back to school, and I hope (and will be praying) that you will be able to accomplish all that is required to reach this goal. So proud of you!
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Thank you very much for your sweet words and prayers, Patti!! I will just have to take things one day at a time. The program is structured in such a way that I think it will be conducive to my success. Since it’s a post-bac, all of the classes are online, which eliminates a lot of the activity for me. I only have to do these two clinical shifts a week, which I think will be doable. Also, I’m one-on-one with a nurse, so I am able to coordinate with her schedule. Isn’t that a blessing? It’s the perfect program for someone like me.
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pattisj said:
It does sound like the perfect program. Hopefully those two days will be separated for the opportunity to “recover” from them. Online classes are a blessing to many who, otherwise, wouldn’t be able to attend classes. I’m cheering for you! And so thankful God has provided this for you.
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chuckswife28 said:
Reblogged this on Addison's Disease and commented:
Pain is my #1 enemy. Love your blog. Stay strong.
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