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Hi all! Lara here. My friend Layne did a post on the conservative evangelical phenomenon of courtship. If you want a little more info on what it is, details about it, or different interpretations, feel free to email me or just google it… What comes up is pretty interesting. I also attached a hyperlink to World Magazine addressing the effects of the movement, though personally, I don’t think they were harsh enough. 😉 There is also a hyperlink attached at the bottom of the page which specifically addresses the purity issue, if you’re interested. The spotlight is all Layne’s now!
I’ll warn you now that my writing tends to be verbose. In my attempt to lessen that effect for this post, I’ll try to stick to these main points:
- “Biblical” dating
- The contemporary flaws of dating and courtship
- Conceivable alternatives/Realistic expectations
Whether you’ve grown up like I have, with a conservative evangelical background, odds are you’d heard of Courtship. The question is, what the heck is it? Not Josh Harris’s twisted take, or how the conservative modern day church portrays it; what’s the actual definition? The World English Dictionary defines courtship as “the act, period, or art of seeking the love of someone with intent to marry.” So if we’re being real, it has NOTHING to do with parents picking their child’s spouse, NOTHING to do with sexual purity, and NOTHING to do with not dating prior to meeting “the one”. The current meaning of courtship evolved from a misunderstanding of modern dating. The phrase then began to stand for everything flawed about courtship. So how do we return the word’s true meaning?
There are flaws in all man made systems: dating or courtship. Let’s note that the largest problems are results of people’s sinfulness and stupidity. A year ago I read “Boy Meets Girl,” by the famous pastor Joshua Harris. His book is the crux in the courtship movement. At that particular time in my life I actually found parts of the books helpful. Did you catch that? “Parts,” I said. This isn’t the Bible, people. The young pastor’s words are not untainted by sin and opinion. It’s foolish to read any work of man without a shaker of salt. I agreed with him when he said young men and women should be wary of sexual temptation and should not enter into relationships frivolously. (Did you also catch that word? Frivolously. I didn’t say “not at all”.) Because that is what my generation of conservative evangelicals thinks. Sadly, these young men and women have confined relationships into two categories.
- It’s casual, and you’re doing the nasty in a dark corner of a bar with no regard for the future
- You’re serious and you’re only together in well-light public forums thinking of marriage constantly.
Please, someone speak up and explain where Scripture ever gives black and white advice about relationships, sexual immorality aside. To clue every one in, I’ll go ahead and tell you, listen closely, The Bible Says Nothing About Dating (Or Courtship). Do I need to pause a moment as the jaws are lighted off the floor? Because yes, I went there. I said it. Scripture draws no lines concerning “dating” or “courtship”. So people need to calm down!
Scripture doesn’t tackle the subjects of dating or courtship directly, but it does provide Christians with principles to live by. Jesus didn’t say that a guy can’t ask a girl to a movie or that a girl shouldn’t text a guy. I don’t mean to jest, but I trying to point out that the Lord has left a great deal of our behavior up to our discretion. The stated Biblical principles refer specifically to sexual behavior. So what does the Bible does say about being single (i.e. unwed)? It says do not awaken love before the time is right. (Song of Solomon 8:4) So how are we to behave before then? We are not to have a hint of sexual immorality. (Ephesians 5:3 ) Those are the biblical guidelines for “dating” or “courtship”.
Dating is a how one generation handles relationship. Courtship has an old fashioned connotation, but Lara summed it up: “it’s a nostalgic word used to define a fear-based system.” God was gracious to us. He knew each generation would address singleness differently, and he provided Christians with clear boundaries. In plain terms? Keep your pants on until your wedding night.
Personally, I’m not one to date around. I flirt. Again, pick your jaws up off the floor. But if I date a guy, my goal it to get to know his character, under a romantic pretense, which doesn’t really follow along with Harris’ premise. How does he treat me? Could we foster an emotional and spiritual connection? Do we have chemistry? None of those are dangerous questions. I’m not going to tell him I “love” him on the third date then hop into bed with him. I know that “In all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”. (Romans 8:28) He has also promised that “I won’t be faced with temptation that is uncommon to man”, and that when I am, he’ll provide me with a way out. (1 Corinthians 10:3) With these assurances, why do we limit ourselves to those public, well-lit forums, where all of our friends and family are gathered?
There I go, being verbose, as promised. Back on track! I’ve rambled on about the flaws of courtship. Let me now dare to suggest a solution, or rather, an alternative definition. I want to purge the word of the prude meaning it has come to wear.
Say Jane is in college dating John. They meet, feel a connection, go on a date, have a good time then decide to keep dating. Their independent goals are to value relationships as potential marriages. Jane says “wow, John prays before every meal. I like that!” John says “Jane has a heart that cares for others. How cool.” Great, right? So two months later, they split. In truth, who cares? Either they learned that they value those qualities in a mate, or their breakup was horrible and they realize that they’d never want to date some one like that person again. Either way they kept their goal in mind, of finding a spouse that possesses certain characteristics. Heck, say Jane and John stay together! It’s not like there was a ring in it from day one. Simply stated, they weren’t dating with the intent to ONLY have fun. See that, word? Only.
They were dating casually, which is a huge point of contention with the courtshippers. Casual dating can be an easy and drama-free way to find a mate; plenty of people have done it. It’s not a one-way ticket to divorce. Things will be a big deal if you make them a big deal. Systems don’t work because there is a problem with the system. They don’t work because the people who are in the system are flawed. The courtship movement started because people were upset about their past indiscretions and wanted a safe, Biblical system. Now that all of us are in our twenties and thirties, we’re finding out that it was only a system that works just as well as the people within it do. (For those of you who don’t know, courtship is a system that goes beyond high school and college years. Grown, mature adults are expected to comply with the system.)
We have to shake this idea that having fun while dating is bad. The problem arises when that’s the only reason singles date. If that is a relationship’s whole intent, then it will be easy for a believer to fall into temptation and lose sight of God’s plan for men and women. The ultimate goal in a committed romantic relationship is marriage, and that can easily be achieved via dating habits.
I want to define courtship. I’ll start by saying what I think it is in its simplest form. Courtship: when a couple spends time together, getting to know one another under the pretense that marriage is a possibility, with the involvement of parents, other adults, and peers. In case there is any confusion, let me go ahead and say what courtship should not be (but often is). Courtship should not be:
- when a parent holds the power to select their child’s mate
- limiting a couple interactions to public forums (group date, any one?)
- or making a relationship a group activity, stripping away intimacy
- saying a couple must be sexually pure (though it is a Biblical command, some choose to disobey it)**
- saying once you dates a person he or she is expected to marry them (And if they don’t then they’ve given away a piece of their heart that will forever be lost)
- saying a person can’t have more than one committed relationship in his/her lifetime
- repressing the expression of physical or vocal affection of love until vows are sworn
My problem is not with courtship; it’s simply a different system. My problem is the twisted definition that many evangelicals and fundamentalists have applied to the term. They have built a system of dating with no Biblical foundation that claims to be Biblical. Its basic tenants are unfounded and are nothing more than opinions. Purity has been turned into prudishness. I pray that this generation and the next will not feel the repression and guilt that the current definition of courtship often brings.
Disclaimer: Although, I believe courtship to be a heavily flawed system, the Lord has built successful relationships from the chaos. He has set the wheels in motion and moved hearts to find love. My words are one sided and I welcome any defense. My views and opinions are tainted by my prejudices and sin. Romans 14:2
**”Love is not finite” and other purity myths explored in this post at Love, Joy, Feminism.
courtneyrae said:
I love this. Well done, Layne! People put way too much pressure on the whole ‘dating’ thing. The whole ‘giving your heart away’ is so harmful. There is a way to date someone without becoming so emotionally involved you give your heart away. So many people brought up with the idea of courtship, but then realize it’s not biblical (myself included), go into the world of dating with fear and are convinced they will give away a piece of their heart to every guy they date. But it’s an irrational fear.
I feel that the whole idea of courtship that Joshua Harris has portrayed if based off of fear and control. It’s fearful for those courting, because they’re scared of making any wrong moves, thus ruining their life for good. And it’s controlling of the parents, keeping their children’s every move in check and watching every single thing that goes on. So harmful. How are children supposed to learn how to turn away from temptation and truly grow up unless their parents let go?
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Antigone's Clamor said:
I’ve heard a few people say it like this: if you have four children and give all of your heart to them, what happens if you have another child? Or what if you’re divorced or widowed? Will you have any of your heart left? It’s just silly. I don’t like empty statements like that. You can’t “slice your heart up”, not even figuratively. Giving away your first sexual experience is physical and tangible (I won’t say “virginity” because physiologically, it’s naturally gone by the time most people grow up).
The way I look at the books (I was rereading them last night) is this: a 19-year old guy hasn’t had good experiences with dating. That’s not original. So he decides to “kiss dating goodbye”. All understandable, on a personal level. But then, at the end of the book, it is turned into a system, with thinly disguised lists. “Boy Meets Girl” is heavily sprinkled checklists and steps, passed off as principles. I understand if personally you want to pursue alternatives, even trashing a system for yourself. But creating a new system? His books are not the only ones on the market. I’ve read plenty of others, in desperate search of truth, and have gotten the same wishy-washy, anecdotal answers. It just doesn’t work for me. I want substance, and the only place I can ever really find it is in God’s Word!!
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To make common said:
brilliant! I think it’s the case of thinking that something (besides God) is good in and of itself (dating bad, courtship good). It is much easier to adopt what we consider good than to strip who we are away and leave comfort and safety behind and try to become a stronger, wiser person. I think the desire for a spotless child is also at the heart of it. Thanks for posting!
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Life isn’t lived if it’s lived in fear. It’s not living if you desire comfort at any cost (see last post). Yep! Layne did a great job.
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granbee said:
Dearest Antigone, I am right with you on this one: fundamentalists really do love to take a few words here, a few words there from the Bible and cook up their own formulas for living the Christian life, especially when it comes to “dating”, as you say. Love your forthrightness and phraseology!
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Granbee, I had a teacher who always used to say that the best lies are the ones with a little bit of truth in them. I’m glad you liked Layne’s post! I think I will have to write about this myself. I didn’t want to at first, out of hesitancy and fear. This is not a popular position. Then again, does that really matter? 🙂
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SmallHouseBigGarden said:
“Purity has been turned into prudishness. I pray that this generation and the next will not feel the repression and guilt that the current definition of courtship some time brings.”
I am very glad you made this point. If what you describe happens, the women’s movement would be set back pre-1940, something even my 78 year old conservative mother wouldn’t want to see.
I’m not evangelical (not even remotely involved with any institutional church) so only know of the courtship movement through the myriad of “mommy blogs” i’ve read that discuss it. Your post is the first i’ve read that addresses the debate from a rational non fear-based viewpoint. Kudos to you!!
I’m very interested to read more of your blog!
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Karen, thank you so much for stopping by and commenting! Layne phrased things quite well! Like I told Granbee, I think that I’ll write about this myself. I had a few more thoughts above when I replied back to Courtney.
I think that the more conservative branch of the courtship movement is heavily entwined with patriarchy, and I’m wondering if that’s the potential setback you speak of. Even the less conservative parts of the courtship movement emphasize the men’s roles more than the women’s roles, and I think that’s a very dangerous line to play around. Some say that women are always the ones to accept and receive, but that quickly declines into taking choices away. Although the dating system can be abused, this system is set up more easily for control. Both systems do prey on weaker women, which is unfortunate. Great points!! I wasn’t even thinking about women’s rights when Layne and I worked on this article. You’ve given me a whole other topic!!
If you want to read some of the highlights, I’ve listed them here for newcomers: http://thoughtsoflaraleigh.wordpress.com/the-best-of-antigones-clamor/
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theduffboy said:
Very enlightening! I love “the Lord has built successful relationships from the chaos”. And the very definition of successful is still up for grabs (a couple who never divorces, yet live full of regret, bitterness and contempt for each other, could also be considered “successful” depending on who you ask).
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Antigone's Clamor said:
All of our little rules and regulations can easily diminish God’s power. If it’s not sin for us (Rom. 14), then why do we continue to beat ourselves down? That is asceticism, and Paul warns about that in Colossians, I believe. You bring up a great point–all sin is ultimately a rejection of Truth, and it can present itself in a variety of ways. A couple living like that is no better than a couple who made mistakes before they were married. Thank you for the insightful comment!
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Tyler Poe said:
I thought the same thing when I was reading the infamous Josh Harris book. It’s my belief that the problem isn’t necessarily with the system, but as always with our individual choices: such as, how much time we spend in getting to know someone before we make important decisions like taking that next step in a relationship. After all, if the whole point of dating and courting is to find a suitable partner, and we know what gravity that choice will have on our future life, then why wouldn’t we want to know as much as feasibly possible (without taking too much time :p) about this person we’re about to sign a life changing contract with. However I can see how Mr. Harris can be misguided, for every action there is an overreaction lol
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Justin Newman said:
Bravo. Reading this was a breath of fresh air when I compare it with many of the closed minded opinions I’ve heard on the subject. On the whole, I think I agree with you.
As a guy, I have a slightly different perspective on the issue, so it’s really interesting to hear a girl express her thoughts. I think you had some very interesting things to say. As for courtship in all it’s flavors, there’s some good and some bad. I agree with you, the extrabiblical rules and expectations in the system are flaws themselves. There are also some things that disappoint me about casual dating though. You inspired me to write a follow up article which I linked back to this post.
If you would like to take a look, the first part is here: http://littleboyintherain.wordpress.com/2012/01/06/love-and-other-drugs/
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