I figured since I’m sitting at my computer refreshing gmail every five minutes to see if I got an interview for this nursing program, I might as well do something productive. It’s really hard to focus on anything else, now that the application deadline is past. I can barely read a Dragonlance book, which is sad, because it is so much easier to read than Emma, which I have been assigned to read 3 times and have never once gotten more than halfway through it.
It’s not like I’ll hear the first workday after the deadline anyway…
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about weight and body image. Everybody goes on and on about how you have to love yourself and how you look. So what if you’ve gained ten pounds? You are beautiful the way you are! Even after you gain 65 pounds, like I did, through a combination of side effects, poor eating habits, and synthetic hormones, you are still supposed to embrace who you are.
I did, for awhile. I was always mildly discontented and made half-hearted efforts to change, but none of it ever seemed to work. It must have come from this crazy idea that we are just supposed to love ourselves unconditionally. Finally, I guess I cracked. Because I did NOT love who I was. Who did I think I was kidding? I had gone from being a thin, healthy person my senior year to FAT. Yes, fat. I said it. (And for those of you who are trying to be nice and say I’m not, my BMI was WAY over the healthy line….like by 8%… and 16% over the fit level!) I think that’s fat if you are at risk for heart diseases, etc.
And once I got that, I couldn’t even believe that I let it go this far. I know how it happened, but I can’t really begin to comprehend that it happened. Thankfully, now, barely three weeks into this new weight loss plan (Ideal Protein—kinda gross, but TOTALLY effective), I am down 15.4 pounds!! Which is 24% of my goal. Kind of unbelievable.
For those of you who think that it’s unrealistic to want to fit into old high school clothes….if you were healthy and fit in high school and were in a normal BMI range for your height….it’s a great goal! There is nothing wrong with that. It’s so easy to make excuses to avoid doing good things for yourself (or other people). And it’s easy to make yourself feel good about something that doesn’t really do anything for you…too easy. No more patting myself on the back for just resisting ONE trip to the vending machine. That’s not enough.
So, to sum up, I am GLAD that I am dissatisfied. And I am GLAD to be able to look at myself honestly. It’s scary to not be able to see yourself for what you are, inside or out. Because who really wants to be around someone who isn’t self-aware? I really don’t want to be that person.
On a more positive note, I was distracted from checking my email for a WHOLE TEN MINUTES. Wish me luck and send me prayers, people!!
To give you more of a visual, here is me at 190, the weekend before I started Ideal Protein
And here is me, exactly three weeks into Ideal Protein. (Yes, I know it’s cheating to wear a t-shirt!!)
timotheous128 said:
Great post! And I’ll definitely be praying. 🙂
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To make common said:
The “Love the way you look” works differently on different psyches. You value the way you look/weigh, but you have stronger values that propel you to change. Some people don’t have that kind of attitude or stronger emotional value in self-improvement. Being seriously critical can prevent positive responses. I would think that “Love the way you look” can sometimes be empowering and useful for self-improvement
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Thanks, Timothy!
John, I definitely agree with you. If you are too hard on yourself and fall into the other extreme, you can do a great deal of harm. Someone I know said that balance is not something to strive for, because it implies having both good and bad mixed in; instead, we need to strive for the good…something i have a lot of trouble with!!
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SarahAlice said:
You never want to do better if you can’t see where you’d like to improve. Myself and my flatmate have decided that after Christmas we shall be renewing our neglected gym memberships, buying more veg and less wine, and doing a mini detox, to atone for holiday sins and the evils of the first university semester.
It’s good to not be satisfied sometimes as longs as it doesn’t take you over.
🙂
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Antigone's Clamor said:
People who are totally satisfied with themselves don’t improve. I think you’re right! And being consumed with dissatisfaction is also not good.
The holidays are terrible times to diet. Thanksgiving and a nasty cold totally threw me off! Good luck with that after Christmas. 🙂
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SarahAlice said:
Thank you! We’re gonna have a bit old health kick, and then I’m sure there’ll be the steady descent back into student living. 🙂 But maybe just not as severely as this long semester! 🙂
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Well, it’s fun to try different things your first semester anyway 🙂 School is not really that good for the health.
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SarahAlice said:
No, I don’t think it is. But we’re gonna make it at least reasonable. Plus, excessive drinking and supernoodle consumption makes my head foggy… which is not good for the whole writing thing. Or the endless work experience search!
(:
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Antigone's Clamor said:
At least you’ve got support. Nothing like a nice cup of tea to clear the head!
I’m trying to work up motivation to get 500 or so quality words written on my story before I leave for work. So much harder when it’s from scratch and not a piece of non-fiction.
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SarahAlice said:
Hmm, well, it makes you feel like you did something good before you even have to go to work. 🙂
I’d say that you’d have to give yourself a massive treat when it was done. 🙂
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Antigone's Clamor said:
I can’t abide an unproductive day. They feel good when you have them, but the guilt compounds once it’s over. 😉
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SarahAlice said:
You do have a very valid point there.
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sweetridgesisters said:
Great post. I actually gained a fair amount of weight in my mid 20s and suddenly looked in the mirror and realized I was 30 lbs overweight. That made me look at my habits and eat WAY less and exercise WAY more, which worked over time- with the added bonus of a huge heartbreak. I am actually glad for the reality check of the experience, which is that I don’t have a 10 yr old metabolism anymore and need to pay attention to my body. And you are so right- it is not out of line to have a high school shape as a goal for many body types. -kate
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Oh, heartbreak will starve it outta you! At least you had the benefit of catching the weight gain early, and so many people don’t. Eating is very individualized, and many people make broad generalizations about what your goals should be. I feel like I was worked up when I wrote this post. 🙂 Eating well (with small portions) and exercising are just important, since most of us don’t work on farms! We can’t burn all those calories off naturally.
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subtlekate said:
You are absolutely beautiful.
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Kate, you’re very kind! Thank you for stopping by to comment and the follow. 🙂
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