I don’t converse well. My opinions are thought out and supported, but when it comes to conversation, I can’t spit anything out properly. If I get a little worked up, I can end up spouting off a bunch of stuff that I don’t mean. If only you could go back and edit speech like a Word document. I got to the point where I could hardly converse at all, due to stress and pressure.
After a particularly negative point in time, where I received far too much pressure, I ended up retreating socially. I had to sort out who I was again, and it became too hard to communicate properly. When people want you to be a certain way and you foolishly desire their approval, it’s easy to slowly morph into a different person. Then one day, you look in the mirror and realize you weren’t the person that you thought you were. Or, like in my case, can’t even remember who I thought I was. Nathaniel Hawthorne said,
No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.
I’ve been spending this time thinking, writing, and taking back my life. Last night, I was looking back on older posts, and I realized how far I’ve come. Thanks to you, readers, I’m feeling more and more confident every day. Blogging is a form of processing that requires me to be precise, and I’ve needed that.
I’ve also started to tell people how I’m doing, when I see them and when they ask. There’s nothing like having a slightly personal thought taken and stamped on the floor, and people fail to see that when they make a comment regarding someone’s thoughts. We are all too ready to push for our own ideas, rather than to listen to someone else’s.
My friend over at To Make Common said that we often use ourselves as a basis for understanding others. I think that’s true. I think we use our background, our experience, and our opinions, and they all trickle in when certain words grab our attention. No one appreciates that.
In spite of my inhibitions in this area, I’ve moved forward and decided to speak out anyway, thanks to a little inspiration from Hawthorne. Now that I am less desiring of approval (but ever so cautious of manners), it hasn’t been too difficult. I suppose these are all miniature tests preparing me from a greater one. Bracing…
I love what Ayn Rand said.
Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours.
annmariedwyer said:
How very excellent YOU can see the progress you have made. Sometimes, it is just as hard see you regaining yourself as it was to see it slipping away. It happens in such small increments we do not always notice.
{HUGZ}
Red.
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Antigone's Clamor said:
That’s part of why writing/journalism is great. We can look back and see measurable progress. Yes, I think that’s what happened here. Little compromises are so dangerous. Thanks for the hugs, Red, and thanks for stopping by!
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Paulette Jackson said:
I enjoy your thoughts and quotes from Hawthorne. Thank you. Paulette Jackson The conversant counselor
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Thank you, Paulette! Hawthorne’s one of my favorites. Thank you for stopping in and commenting!
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life is a bowl of kibble said:
This was excellent. I understand your growth. I have never had trouble with the social game but I married a man that has some difficulties and a daughter that sounds exactly like you. So I can appreciate all the time, effort, and thought it has taken to get to where you are now. You expressed it so well I felt as if we were chatting over coffee.
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Antigone's Clamor said:
I’m glad you can relate, in a way! Thank you for your kind words. I so appreciate that.
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Ian Silva (Uncle) said:
You have shown me by way of your own acomplishment something in myself. In seeking the approval others around me I found myself diminished in spirit and in self. For a long time in my youth I tried to be what I thought my peers would want me to be. It turns out that the older I became and the more I reflected on the choices I made and the happiness or discontent those choices brought about. I found it easier to be the person I was ment to be. Me. If those around me find it unpalletable so be it. They are not the people I need to be around. I find I am comfortable enough to be happy with me. Ironically I find there are many people that like me for what I am. Thank You Lara and shine on!
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Antigone's Clamor said:
It’s so crazy how that works. Nice people just have a sense for authenticity…you’ve inspired me to write another post on this! Thanks for commenting, Uncle. 🙂
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imperfectous said:
true true true and there is no greater joy and happiness in letting go of the world’s pressures and ideas of what or who you should be and searching yourself and finding your own path and pursuing it.totally amazing!been there and it aint pretty but i am coming out,and i have to consciously remind myself that i am all that i can be and i need no one else to approve of me because the Creator of the universe already did that.free to be me!free to be you!
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Antigone's Clamor said:
So very true, Imperfectous. We have already been redeemed and made perfect. Thanks for stopping by, dear!
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courtneyrae said:
This is beautiful, and encouraging to me because I can relate. Great post 🙂
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Thank you, Courtney! 🙂
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ladywithatruck said:
Excellent post, food for thought for sure, thanks for sharing. I was inspired.
Carrie
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Antigone's Clamor said:
Thank you very much, Carrie! Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment. Glad you enjoyed that post. 🙂
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